Selfishly Me

Author: PaulenaK

Email: toukalah@hotmail.com

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Everything BTVS belongs to Josh Whedon.

Feedback: Is much appreciated.

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Selfishly Me

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Love.

Out of all the words floating around inside my mind that one commonly used four letter word always stands alone. In my mind there’s no easy answer to that one question – provided it’s taken in the right context that is, I mean a lesson on the birds and the bee’s is not what that one word stands for in ‘my’ here and now. No, no, no… it’s referring to something much more complex and much more uncontrolled - At least on my part.

You see I’m a thinker. I think something, I expand on it, I analyse, I create and pretty soon wah-lah – I’m living it with no sense of direction between the world that is and the world that is to come. All I see is the world that is ‘Me’.

Let me start at the beginning, a place I travel back to on a regular basis just to sit and stew over that one word that started this all.

It started with the sound of a child’s laughter, a man – yes there’s always a man… unless of course your preference runs in the same direction as Willow’s, a goofy smile followed and eye contact was all a go. That was the starting point as far as I was concerned and maybe it was for him too who knows. Fact of the matter was contact had been breached and there was no turning back now - For either of us. Only at this time I didn’t know he was doing a little creative thinking of his own.

Two peas in a pod we were not, well not physically. But mentally we were a perfect match. It was like I had found myself within the body of someone else. And that in itself was something I could not ignore, no matter how hard I strived to enjoy the bliss ignorance brought.

If Buffy were here she would have told me to snap out of it long ago and in true sisterly fashion I would have done the exact opposite just for the thrill of being able to rebel. Oh well, sisterly love and all that – See there’s that ‘L’ word again. Any who back to my little ‘self’ tale.

He looked. I looked. He smiled. I smiled. He motioned to the chair next to me. I sent him the thumps up. He came. He sat. He talked. I pretended to listen and can you blame me? It was hard to concentrate while I was drowning in his deep blue eyes.

Everything after that happened rather fast. Too fast some might say, but I didn’t care. I wanted him and that’s all I saw.

It wasn’t until it was too late that I found out what he was really like or should that be what he really ‘was’ - And with one bite he made me his.

And thus here I am standing at the doorstep of a house full of all the people who love me and yet I’m still drowning in his eyes, still longing to be near him and only one thing stands between him and I being together forever… and that’s them.

I knock and wait patiently for someone to answer. The doors open… Xander… Perfect.

“Dawn! Why on earth are you knocking? Did you forget your key again?”

He started back towards the kitchen still muttering to himself yet not saying the words needed to grant me access and then as if on cue he turned to look back at me.

“Well what are you waiting for? Come on in.”

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