I’m Okay

Distribution: Just let me know

Disclaimer: I own no one except the idea. Vince owns the superstars ~ superstars own themselves personally. Matt owns himself... The title belongs to a song written by Christina Aguilera. The lyrics are loosely the basis of the story.

Rating: R

Contents: Angst ~ self healing

Characters: Lita, Matt Hardy

Summary: Amy reflects on how a past relationship continues to affect present ones

Amy sat lonely in the hotel room. She thought back over her life and began to cry. How could she be so stupid and naïve? She swore that no man would hurt and degrade her like her dad had. She had worked too hard to work through all the self-doubt, self-blame and low self-esteem.

Then Matt happened. He was supposed to love her. The one time she submitted to temptation, she relieved her childhood and past all over again. She remembered how she cold not speaks a word against her father or go against his wishes. Amy could only remember once he raised his hands against one of his brothers and never against her mother.

You’re too proud… you’re too headstrong for your own good. Amy heard it over and over again. Her father insulted her like no father or man had the right to and her mother wanted her to take it. Never once did he utter a kind word to her. Then when she truly got out of line, she literally had to fight for her life. All Amy wanted was her father’s love and attention because she did a good thing or she needed him.

Instead, he put her down worst than anyone ever could. Amy lived in constant fear that she would feel the fist of her father against her skin. That for reasons unknown to her she would suffer. So that’s how her relationships went. If she stepped out of line she was punished. She was a little girl in a woman’s body

Amy had refused to turn to drugs or alcohol. She learned what other people didn’t. The pain always came back twice as bad as it was before. Amy never opened up about her problems. She immersed herself in other’s problems. She carried the guilt of being abused like a cross. Amy had been herself a world to retreat to when things got heated.

Amy tried to conform to what everyone wanted. She did and became the Amy everyone expected her to be. Madness and depression set in on her part. Amy was tired of being scared of shadows that stirred around her. There was no light for her. Her mother forbade her to tell her brothers.

Amy leaned against the headboard clutching a pillow. For all of her life, she had been okay. She never thought it would get to her. Okay was the only emotional state she could achieve. She wanted to be great, ecstatic and stupendous ~ not only to say it but mean it.

Amy swore she would no longer carry a cross of abuse from anyone. She would not live in fear of anyone’s abuse. Abuse is not love. She had to comfort the broken child who screams from within her. She had the strength to make everything better. She needed to take time to heal herself. Amy felt her tears cease and sort of smiled. For once she actually felt it and meant it. I’m Okay!

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Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Every time my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday

It's not so easy to forget
All the lines you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And every day I'm afraid to come home
In fear of what I might see there

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
And I'm OK
I'm OK

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