All I ever wanted

Summary: The one thing Jasmin wants that she’ll never had

Contents: working through some emotional and physical abuse

Rating: R

Disclaimer & Notes: I am not sure where this is going so just work with me…Jasmin St. Claire was in ECW… I own the story

I sit on my window sill crying like an eight year old who fell off their bike. All I want is for someone to hold me and tell me everything is okay. However Mom and Dad are too busy with their own issues. I want the fighting to stop. I want things to be peaceful so I take the extra cash that I should save from my job and pay their bills. The fighting continues and I am just a stupid little bitch.

My heart is breaking and all I want is someone to love me. Jason says he loves me if I have sex with him. It seems simple enough. Screw me till my head pops off. So this is love. Love is something physical so it’s cool now that he hits me. It’s okay that he says that I am trifling. It’s okay that he loves me even when I don’t want him too. Its love and love is what I wanted.

Why in a world of trillion people I feel so alone? Where is that person that lets me cry on their shoulder? Who takes away the pain, hurt, anger and the shame? I can’t bear this anymore. I thought if I confessed my sins were forgiven and forgotten. So why is it everyday I am constantly reminded of them? All I need is a word telling me it is okay. The past is the past and let’s works towards the future.

I have reached inside of me until there is nothing. I have given everything of myself to others and myself. My endurance is low; patience was spent a lone time ago. Inner strength is on vacation. Will power is drunk. Self-esteem is screwing self-image. Mentally I am royally screwed. I have endured too much. The harsh words and vicious happenings I can’t take them anymore. Am I giving up too soon? Is there a ram in the bush for me? I need to have something somewhere. All I have endured and nothing was gained. Some say I am strong. Some say that I am still alive. Alive, I laugh at that notion, I am surviving. NO way in all of the heaven is this considered living.

Why do I have to walk around on pins and needles? Not knowing if this time the fight will leave scars. What if something is broken? I laugh as I glance at my knee. It is throbbing and swelling. God, I can’t fight any longer. I am so tempted to let go. What is it that is making me hold on? I feel like the answer, my breakthrough is right there and I can’t see it. The pain is unbearable now. I can only laugh as my knee swells.

I only want the very best in life. The most important part of the best life is for me to be happy. I want my family and everyone around me to be happy too. But our ways of thinking and acting conflict too much. The tension makes me sick. To live my way I’ll have to leave, leave and never look back. Then I would be able to breathe. To exhale this breath I have been holding in so long. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Because in the end the ones you love the most are the ones that will pay. But for the best I pray and hope. To be loved, understood and cared for was all I ever wanted.

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